Today has been a very strange day. It shouldn’t have been, but it was.
Last night, I fell down my stairs. My stairs are wooden and hard. My body is soft. I have a mild concussion (albeit self-diagnosed), grazes to my knees and elbow. I have a huge black/red bruise across my lower back and further bruising coming out on my back under my ribs. Everywhere hurts. But nothing is broken and in a few days the pain will go and the bruises will fade. I can deal with this sort of thing. Physical pain? Pah! I laugh in the face of this.
Having told people about my accident I have never received so much attention. I’ve been given sympathy, concern, offers of help, hugs. I even got chocolate!! I was advised to go to the doctors and get checked out. Someone bought me pain killers. Take it easy, rest, don’t be a hero. To top it all off, my mum turned up with some flowers.
All seems normal so far. And yet for me (and many others) this is a strange experience.
Last year I spent time in hospital following an exacerbation of my depression. When not in hospital I hid away in my house, unable to face the world. I couldn’t sleep at night, I couldn’t stay awake during the day. I lost over 3 stone in about 6 weeks. I was self harming and putting my life at genuine risk. I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t shower, I couldn’t concentrate. I felt worthless. I felt I had nothing to offer the world. There was just no point to anything.
Yet, the sympathy wasn’t forthcoming. I got no cards, no flowers, no chocolate. I was told to pull myself together and I had nothing to be depressed about. Don’t take anti-depressants, you need exercise and a healthy diet. When I had the crisis team visiting every day, my mum was concerned they were making it worse as all my focus was on being depressed. I should be distracting myself from it. And this was from the people who stayed in touch. Many didn’t stay in touch. They just didn’t know what to do or say.
So there you have it. Today was a really strange experience for me. And if you don’t mind, I shall take myself back to bed (slowly), take some pain killers, eat my chocolate and read a magazine….how much I love this physical pain.